Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

We need to put an American base on the sun

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

My plans: 2020:

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit