Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

ㅤㅤ

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.