Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

Sorry. Not sorry

Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.