2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
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*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.