Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*

eyes: *water*

*looks like I’m crying in meeting*

me: yeah this is better

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine