Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

Happy thanksgiving!

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.