[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Noah was an idiot.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
LOOOOOOL
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
How software testing works