Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”