Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

What?!?

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.