Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come