Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.