Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.