*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
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7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis