Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

I have never related to anyone more.