2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
