Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Facebook marketplace is a different world

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

I have a new favorite meme page

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow