Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

*jingles half the way*

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

Ah..makes sense now

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that