Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

ㅤ

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

my one true gender

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train