Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

Gods work.

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.