Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?