Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums