Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.