2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
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Noah was an idiot.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.