Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
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iPhone X
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
do what now??
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars