Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can fix him.

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.