2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?