2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital