Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, I love Scotland

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND