When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.