Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

#winning

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

So sorry

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough