2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
S O O N
nature’s most graceful animal
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin