Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood