2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch