2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
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I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead