Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

Realize this:

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.