*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
