Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.