2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
🤣dope
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
[shakes fist at other fist]
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.