2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
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[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*