2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
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Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
remember
only for emergencies
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.