[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
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my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
😭😭
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro