Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

◾️

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend