[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
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The “baby” on the left….
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Joseph Smith, 1833
5 ways to appear taller
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ