[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
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Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.