[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
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Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Most Common Source of Electricity
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.