@CandymanTimTam

2% milk? Wtf is the other 98%??

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@B_Schmidt

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

@MNateShyamalan

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

@Glennot73

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

@ConanOBrien

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

@skedaddle74

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

@Blarebare

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

@jonnysun

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

@miilkkk

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.