Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
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Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same