2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral