Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

how much does a mortician urn in a year

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.