Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

In case you needed to hear it:

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.