Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

Mad Max Arctic Road

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]