Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.