[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me trying to reach for my goals
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
sign of the times 🖊
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story