[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?