2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
You Might Also Like
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.