2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
This fish is cracking me up
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.