@Izzybcrazy

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

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@FatherWithTwins

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

@AngryRaccoon2

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

@DillDoes

*secret agent slaps me*
I’ll never give you answers
*he grabs my throat*
“WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA”
*spits*
I’d rather die

@DepressedDarth

My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

@abbygov

“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone

@mrjohndarby

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

@Dr_powpow

I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes