I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
You Might Also Like
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
*secret agent slaps me*
I’ll never give you answers
*he grabs my throat*
“WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA”
I’d rather die
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
ME: k see u tonight
“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I have nothing in common with people that learn from their mistakes
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.