Monday again. I just knew this would happen
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[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Cake safety first. Always.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.