2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Its a hippotatomus
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
HELP 😭
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
#Thanos #MondayMood
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk