Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?