2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
*Creating a new social media app*
“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.