Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj