Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.