2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
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*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.