2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Note to self: always read the final line
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Doggies just call it style.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
SQUARREL
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
🇺🇸🤭
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
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Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Oh hi lol
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768