2 students brought hard boiled eggs in their lunches today so it’s time to separate the kids into the haves and have nots
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Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.