2 students brought hard boiled eggs in their lunches today so it’s time to separate the kids into the haves and have nots
You Might Also Like
He’s cranky this morning
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2