Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

These 3D printers are insane!

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys