Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.