2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ