Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

A great first step 😂

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy